Scissor Work: The Art of Cutting People Off

This blog piece will capture me reflecting on a behavior of mine that a lot of us practice and have learned in our survival state of being. I have been undergoing therapy for the past 6 months as a result of sinking into depression. I have struggled with depression for practically all my life but this particular stage is darker. A family emergency triggered a chain of emotions that I didn’t have the emotional tools to navigate in a healthy way. The decisions that I made during this time effected my friendships. One friendship in particular I made the decision to end because I was hurt that I didn’t feel seen or diligently cared for during a dark time in my life. I went through the motions of anger, numbness, and justifying my decision to cut this friendship off. In therapy I have had to look directly at my unhealthy coping mechanism that results in cutting people out my life with little to no remorse. This forces me to look at the numbers of people that I have pushed out of my life in my journey as a result of shutting down and not knowing how to be vulnerable. At somewhere in my journey I learned that when I feel hurt this means that I must get rid of people. No one told me that in relationships when I am hurt, that this is a time to stand up in truth and stand my ground in love. I am just now beginning to understand that when misunderstandings or hurt feelings arise(and they will arise) in relationships this is a time for clarity. Being vulnerable lays the foundation for us to strengthen our bonds as we dive deeper into each other’s truths and triggers. Being present in conflict is a time to remind ourselves that we are worthy of being understood.

I am beginning to conceptually learn how to navigate challenges and turmoil in friendships in healthy ways. I am now in a space in my life where I am fighting for my higher self. I have identified this part of my life as a serious battle of spiritual warfare. I am understanding that spiritual warfare is the fight for our purpose and higher selves. It is in spiritual warfare that we learn that we are in survival mode and can make the decision to no longer exist so deeply in it. Being in survival mode is where we learn many treacherous and dangerous behaviors that don’t align with our higher self/purpose. Assuming that our purpose is connected to higher vibrations, it is walking in our purpose or showing up displaying characteristics that allow us to manifest our purpose is how we rid ourselves of survival mode. In conversation with my therapist about all of these thoughts, she has challenged me to answer questions that help me to bring about some justice for my life. I won’t answer these questions publicly, at least not right now, but I believe these questions are applicable to so many of us.

So many of us cut folks off as a result of a culture that doesn’t value vulnerability but most importantly doesn’t create space for it. To be Black alone, comes with a state of being in some type of survival, and survival mode is not safe grounds usually for being open. Consider your Blackness in relationship to all your other identities, and this state of survival increases thus the opportunity for vulnerability decreases. I think, because it is through our bonds (both physical, spiritual and with self) that we heal, when vulnerability is discarded, so is our opportunities to exist in our higher selves. This culture normalizes disconnection via lyrics such as “No New Friends”, “Quick to cut a N*gga off so don’t get comfortable”, “It aint nothing to cut that B*tch off”, are some of the few examples that encourages us to not only be disconnected but to be emotionless when ending relationships.

I am attempting to rid myself of this behavior without demonizing it or myself. For a long period of my life, cutting people off, or essentially numbing myself has served me. It has protected me from feeling things that I was not ready to feel. However, I am in a space of healing, a space that I have created from learning to push things down in order to rise up. I sacrificed inner work for outer work in order to create a utopia where I could shed my skin safely. Now that I have done so, a strong enough foundation has been built for me to breathe now, and this is what I am attempting to do.

Self-reflection questions:

1. Identify a thread(common ways of how I navigate relationships)in my relationships

2. What do the behaviors look like in this thread?

3. What are the characteristics of my higher self?

4. What are the characteristics of my lower self?

5. What are the characteristics of my middle self?

6. Who discarded me in my life? Where did I learn throwing people away was ok?