The Perversion of Black Female and Male Relationships

As a sexualizing, sexualized sexual being operating in a culture heavily dressed in sexual politics, I have come to understand that we have a distracting and dangerous obsession with sex and sexualizing relationships. As a Black Womxn, being sexualized has placed me in positions that have allowed my body to become a perverted stage for someone to perform their fantasies. Without my permission, I can see my body being undressed by the eyes of men. In addition to this, when I am seen with a man(Black men) there is an automatic assumption that we must be fuckin each other or liking each other which means were fuckin, apparently. I too have sexualized relationships with men, thrown myself at them sexually because of my need to want to connect. I understand the implications of this as our culture not honoring the relationships that can exist between men and womxn, specifically Black Men and Womxn as non-sexual. Hence, why I am writing this blog about the relationships between Black Men and Womxn and these relationships operating many times in a perverted paradigm.

We imply that Black Womxn and Men’s relationship are solely dependent on romance which then implies sex. As a result of this thinking, most of my friendships with men have relied very heavily on our sexual and/or romantic attraction. Being dependent on and focused on this sexual attraction didn’t allow friendships or friendly relationships between these various men and myself to manifest the way they could've manifested if it were not for us perverting the relationships. I define the perversion of the relationship between Black Men and Womxn in several non-linear ways: 1. Acting upon sex before unwrapping the layers needed to build a strong foundation for the relationship or acting upon sex without the commitment to focus to continue to unwrap the layers needed to build a stronger relationship 2. Having sex with the absence of assessing if the relationship has the capacity to build a strong foundation 3. Having sex with the absence of setting boundaries and guidelines that uphold the emotional, mental and spiritual care of our sexual partners, and of course 4. Minimalizing the relationships between Black Womxn and Men as sexual only and/or inclusive of sex. I have come to this debatable and very loose definition in reflecting on a particular relationship I shared with a brotha in my past. About 2 years ago I met a man via instagram and we were both of course physically and sexually attracted to each other. This non-exclusive relationship moved very quickly into sex, and I was convinced for some time that he and I could be together. He figured out before I did that I wasn’t the right womxn for him, and at a later time, I figured out he wasn’t the right man for me. We however, continued to carry out a “friendship”, and after many times of bumping my heart in heartache, I later understood his purpose for my life. But this was only after I started listening to him, and stopped fucking him. I discovered that he was my mirror in many ways. He challenged my work ethic, and believed in my talents and capabilities; he pushed me to step my game up in those regards. Long story short, if we would have taken the time to just talk, and set aside sexual and romantic motives, I believe him and I could have discovered our purpose for being in each other’s lives sooner. We could have also came to this realization without the drama and heartache that manifested as a result of perverting a relationship that was never meant to be or shouldn’t have been sexual.

Many relationships don’t have the capacity to grow into bountiful bonds, and perhaps all its value is rooted in sex, but I question what we really gain from sex without the implementation of mentally, emotionally, and spiritually caring for the person we are engaged in exchanging "sacred"(define how you want, not here to promote politics of respectability or take away anyone's agency to define sex for themselves) energy with. I must be clear in saying that I am not implying that we have to be married or even exclusive to accomplish this, but rather I am questioning how do we accomplish or promote mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being for our sexual partners in a culture that tells us (mainly men) to “smash” or “hit n quit it”, which essentially marginalizes the possibility for caring for our partner in ways beyond sex? Is this possible to do so without it manifesting into a romantic relationship? Perhaps that is a different blog, but essentially I am questioning our value for sex and thus our value for relationships without the motive or act of sex. If we are so sex driven, how are we honoring platonic relationships and thus believing in the idea that powerful relationships between Black Womxn and Men can exist without romantic and/or sexual ties? (Which also perpetuates heteronormativity or the idea that we are all straight)

I am at a place in my journey right now where I am attempting to search for meaning in this. The higher power has presented me with an opportunity to build a platonic friendship where only intentional non-sexual dialogue is the basis of the friendship. In fact, it is the most person-centered friendship that I have had with anyone, but especially with Black Men. This friendship in all its power is redefining for me what intimate non-romantic relationships with Black Men can look like. As I stated, for so long I have held on to the idea that powerful and intimate relationships with Black Men could only be reached if love and especially sex was a part of the relationship. I think many of us have bought into this thinking as early as age 5. I have witnessed family members referring to my lil boy cousin’s female friends as their “girlfriends”. Rather we recognize it or not we are planting seeds in our children that communicate to them that any care or liking they have for the opposite sex must be romanticized and thus sexual.

I was reminded of this very conditioning with one of the many conversations that has followed since the releasing of “All Eyez on Me”, a biopic about Tupac Shakur. In the movie, we see several scenes that attempt to depict the relationship between Tupac and Jada, a relationship that formed between the two when they were both teenagers. Our obsession with figuring out if Jada and Tupac had a romantic/sexual relationship has been a curiosity that has been entertained for years. Listening to Jada talk about Tupac, and Tupac talk about Jada it is obvious that these two had a deep and special bond. Jada told Arsenio Hall on his show during her interview that Tupac was the first man whom cared about her intellect and talents and it not being connected to sex. Tupac wrote a poem for Jada where he says, “You bring me to climax without sex”. These two have never explicitly confirmed or denied if they had a romantic/sexual relationship, and guess what? It shouldn’t matter! What we have heard however is them explicitly confirm the love they poured into each other, and how this created perhaps one of the most humxnizing and life changing relationships of their lives. The fact that many of us, including myself are or have been so consumed with figuring out if Jada fucked Tupac speaks to our obsession with sex, but more specifically speaks to how our minds have been minimalized to focus in on sex and pervert relationships between Black Men and Womxn. I question what we can learn from Jada and Pac, and their refusal to confirm our perversions of their relationship? I question what we could gain if we were to allow ourselves to focus on the substance and the magnitude of their relationship verses trying to figure out if they fucked?